The Sleep-Synapse

Sometimes "I" feel greedy for more time awake because I know that sleeping, in entrenching long-term memories, will terminate or at least subdue some of the themes and processes raging in my (possibly tired) mind. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up and still be the "same person"... but in the process of waking up, I'll first have to figure out who I am (college student), where I am (bed, room), then what I'm about to do (shower). My reconstructed mental state will, after a reasonably long sleep, bear little resemblance to that of the night before.

A related phenomenon occurs with my material and electronic surroundings. There are some things in my room whose location I currently know and organization I currently understand which tomorrow will be mysteriously hidden or chaotic. Every night I accumulate a series of Firefox tabs which I have open for a certain reason. Tomorrow, they will lose meaning and perhaps become irrelevant; they may survive for some time, but usually often as pure nuisance.

Thus I must attempt to communicate with my (short-term) future self through a complicated system of alarms, bookmarks, calendars, and notes, or risk leaving the meaningful reproduction of my present consciousness to some unpredictable and unconscious mental processes. Even these precautions can only increase the likelihood of successful communication. I still can't shake the sense that when I go to sleep, I die forever, leaving behind only memories and souvenirs.

Yes, I attach an unusual heaviness to the act of letting myself fall asleep. Sometimes I stay up late or attempt to sustain myself with short naps which seem less final. And sometimes I cannot bear consciousness any longer and welcome the long sleep. This decision differs more in degree than in kind from suicide. I am not prepared to reduce myself to that level--the level at which I continue only through my written and social unconscious, violently excluding my more immediate neurological and material unconsciouses--but I do not condemn those who are.